Adolf Hitler's skull, a 700 pound gorilla, a dinner with all your former lovers....What?

I am currently reading a book called Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. This book has entertained me from page one. Just when I thought it could not get any better, I run across these questions that he asks everybody he meets in order to decide if he can really love them.

Here are a few of my favorites. (Please feel free to answer them!)

1. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope. He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile. And let us assume - for some reason - every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes. You are allowed to use steel-toed boots.

Would you attempt to do this?

2. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table. In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull. You have to select one of these items for your home.If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state. If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so. Display of the skull must be apolitical.

Which option do you select?

3. Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla." Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, and I.Q. of almost 85, and - most notably - a vague sense of self-awareness. Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football. The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end. ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays). Meanwhile the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.

You are the commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

4. At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR." This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.

Would you still do this?

5. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews). However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no one can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual. Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).

Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

6. You are watching a movie in a crowded theater. Though the plot is mediocre, you find yourself dazzled by the special effects. But with twenty minutes left in the film, you are struck with an undeniable feeling of doom. You are suddenly certain your mother has just died. There is no logical reason for this to be true, but you are certain of it. You are overtaken with the irrational metaphysical sense that - somewhere - your mom has just perished. But this is only an intuitive, amorphous feeling; there is no evidence for this, and your mother has not been ill.

Would you immediately exit the theater, or would you finish watching the movie?

7. Every person you have every slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.

What do you talk about?

8. You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will still be a fully functioning adult, but you will be less logical, you will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks.

How do you spend the next fourteen days?

Beyond The Black Box.

Over the Christmas holiday I took a plane ride from Austin to Lubbock (and back again). The flight only lasted about an hour and ten minutes, but it felt like the longest plane trip I have ever taken. Let me explain.


About a month ago I read a wonderful book suggested by my best friend for our book club. It is called Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach. In this book there is a chapter called "Beyond The Black Box" that came back to me as soon as I started boarding the plane. In case you have not read this New York Times bestseller, here is a little background on this particular chapter: A discussion of airplane disasters and the stories that the bodies of crash victims tell. This is a CSI-type chapter which truly gives the finer details of crash pathology. If you've always wondered what happens to the human brain trapped in a burning airplane, this is the chapter you will want to read.


Alright, now that you have some sort of idea of what was going through my mind as I walked down that long grey hallway towards the plane let's get on with it. I love to fly. I fly as much as I can actually. I am usually on a plane once every four or five months. I realize that is not a lot to some people, but for me, it is. Now, even though I love to fly the friendly skies I have a very particular way that I like to do it. I hate Southwest. I don't think I can stress this enough. I don't care how cheap they are, I hate them. I hate the cattle call way of doing things. I am the person that will pay the extra fifty bucks to fly any other airline just because I am obsessed with the idea of having an assigned seat. I am also one of those people that feels more comfortable in the emergency exit row. Not because there is more leg room, actually that thought is always far from my mind until the moment I sit down and realize that there is an extra foot or two. I have a security problem. I always have, I always will. If I can not be in control I feel that I need to be as close to control as possible. For some reason, in my mind, I feel that sitting in an assigned seat in the emergency exit row on an airplane gives me that control.


So, on my way to New Mexico, I flew Southwest. (The tickets were a gift.) I was all nerves. Which is funny, because I am actually a really relaxed traveler. I arrived at my gate and stood there with, what I am sure, the most stupid look on my face. I had no idea how to get from my seat through the door to the plane. There were these metal columns set up, to be honest it look like something out of a Star Trek episode. I kept watching the tv screens that were supposed to be telling me how to get in line, but they were no help. Finally, I just had to sit there and wait to see how everyone else was doing it. Now, I am not a dumb person, but this shit was very odd. Finally, I get in line and board the plane. Due to me being number 2o something in line I knew I was SOL when it came to getting a seat in the emergency exit row. My thought was to get as close a possible. So, I grab a window seat just in front. I was pissy at this point in the game, I'm not gonna lie. Mainly because the people in the row behind me had not sat there because it was a way to get out of the plane if needed, but because they wanted the leg room. These people would be the death of me if it came down to it. While watching the rest of the "cattle" come aboard the plane my mind began to wander back to that wonderful book. It states a few facts that I suddenly could not get out of my head. One in particular concerned which type of people made it out of the airplane safely if the emergency exits needed to be used. Men. Men pushed their way past women, children, and even elderly to get out of the cabin. I don't want to imagine what it would be like to be stuck in a small metal tube and the only exits are 4 small windows of opportunity. But there I was watching every person board wondering if I could get out of here if needed. Once everyone was seated and the flight attendants started their show I took a moment to look around me to see what my surroundings were. Next to me was a guy just a little taller than me and really into his iPod. I could take him. The annoying couple behind me were in their mid 50s and could be moved by purely yelling I was damn sure. No one sat in front of me and my new friend, nor did they sit across from us (this is a story all in itself). This seemed odd to me. There was only one person in the other emergency exit row, a young sporty looking dude. That is the direction I was headed if the plane was headed down.



To make my long story a little shorter, I feel that my life has been impacted by this book to the point that I will never fly an airplane the same way again. I could not focus on my new book, the overly nice flight attendant that would not let me be or the dude sitting next to me trying to talk to me about how awesome his music is. All I could think about getting off that damn plane.

May Peace be your gift this holiday and your blessing all year through!

First, welcome to my blog. I have been wanting to start one of these for a long time now. They always look like fun when I see my family and friends work on theirs.

Second, have a wonderful holiday season!!

Thanks for stopping by!!